I laid in bed awake last night struggling. As a mom, my heart is broken for this mom. The rest of the family too, but especially the mom. I cannot even begin to fathom how she is surviving. How she is still breathing. How strong she must be to even take her next breath.
Dave came in and was attempting to reassure me. It didn't work. And I found myself praying for her, and her family, and then proceeding to ask God to please recognize that I am not strong enough to ever lose one of my children. And if He ever needs to take one, to please take me too.
I didn't sleep well last night and consequently slept later than intended this morning. I didn't feel great, but got up and went to church anyway.
In the past 14 months that I have been going to Creekside, I can count on one hand the number of old hymns that have been sung by the worship band. And I have commented on numerous occasions how much this Southern Baptist heart missed hearing hymns.
To my surprise, this morning was different. Imagine my surprise at hearing this...
- Jesus loves me! This I know,
For the Bible tells me so;
Little ones to Him belong;
They are weak, but He is strong;
- Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.
Which brought on a lot of tears for me. I honestly can't think of two more perfect songs to help my soul today. It's crazy when God speaks to you loud and clear. There was confirmation that I cannot hold on to this and perseverate...it must be well with MY soul. And in case I needed confirmation, I was able to visualize this little boy in God's arms saying, I'm ok. Jesus loves me. I'm with Him now.
As for this family, it may take a lifetime for their souls to heal. And I will continue to pray for them always...
My heart is still broken for them; but for my own soul, the soul that tends to worry, I am giving this back to Him. There are things in this life that I can control, and things that I cannot. It has been and will continue to be a concept that I struggle with. But I am learning...
Three years ago I walked in to the office of the pastor of my previous church with a very, very heavy heart. At a very young age, Taya looked at me and very seriously said, "Mommy, I am going to die soon. Black truck is going to get crunched." I panicked and refused to let her be in black truck for weeks. And it consumed me. But at my pastors advice, I had to let it go. I could try to protect her as much as possible, but I didn't have control. And I had to give it to God.
I honestly think that this will be something I have to work on my entire life. Getting these small reminders, it helps. I may not ever understand why tragedy happens. But, when it does I hope to always get these in your face reaffirmations of His love.