...those little noises...

My Granny

I miss this lady.  I haven't seen her in over 2 and a half years.  To be precise, the last time I saw her living and breathing was on September 17, 2010.  I sang her a song.  I held her hand as she died.  It was the most heart-wrenching, yet peaceful thing I have ever experienced in my life.

There are things that happen to me every now and again (is that a real expression??) that make me giggle because I know that a part of her has rooted in me.

At some point in time in December I decided that I MUST learn how to crochet...although this lady had tried to teach me how and I quickly gave up because I didn't have "crocheting hands."  Well this time was different, either I had grown a "crocheting hand" or Granny passed one down to me, because I caught on quickly.  And once my mama had taught me two basic stitches, I was able to go on my own and I have even taught someone else.  (Well, it could also be that my mom was such a rock star teacher, but seriously... I couldn't learn from Granny!!!)

Just recently I have started making "little noises" when I am alone.  For my family members, just the mention of little noises probably makes you hear them.  I will never in my life forget that sound.  I asked my Mom once why she did that, and her reply was "she just does."  So when I catch myself doing it, it makes me giggle... and then I wonder how long I have been walking around the store by myself making little throaty noises and how many people have heard me wondering what the heck I'm doing?  But what is probably worse is the grin that spreads all the way across my face just because I am thinking about her.  Which would probably lead people to the assumption that the lady walking through the store making little noises with a big 'ole grin on her face MUST BE CRAZY!!!  But I don't care, because my heart is having a moment with my Granny.

And sometimes I need those moments so much because I miss this lady like crazy!!!

...

...we've gone bird-s**t crazy...

*** I started this a while back, but never finished it.  In honor of this late March blizzard that we are in the midst of,  I thought I'd finish it***

I know, the real saying is bat-s**t crazy, but for real, we have gone all bird crazy up in this house!

I guess it started a couple of months ago when the weather really started getting colder.  We were probably bored and decided that the birds needed food, so we would do a little fun activity of using toilet paper rolls, peanut butter and sunflower bird seed to make some bird feeders.  It was fun and we liked seeing the birds come around.

Our first 3 "homemade" bird feeders in addition to our real feeders.

The birds went through them pretty quickly, so we made a couple more each time, until eventually we ended up with 9 "homemade" toilet paper/paper towel roll, peanut butter and seed feeders.  Although, those take a long time...so I went to Pinterest, got some ideas, went to the local Dollar Tree and we made some more fun feeders.

And here are some of my favorite pics... (although their quality is not great due to taking pictures through a tinted window).

before the snow came

we thought this was a lot of birds at the time...

messy eaters

one of our mama cardinals

a bird variety

these are the "creepers"

just pretty

they love this $1 feeder!

Cardinal in our Wheaping Willow

Not a bird, but pretty fantastic!

and this was today... 03/24/13...

It's our second day of "Spring" break...what happened to the Spring???

...9 years and counting...

Today is our 9 year anniversary.

Dave and I are not picture people.  We really aren't like "remember it with a photo" type people.  That being said, I don't have a picture from every anniversary.  To say that I could even find "a" picture of us together from every year on my hard-drive would be a stretch.  Sad, right.  But, it's the truth.

Overall, it's been a pretty great 9 years.  As do any married couples, of course we've had our ups and downs, but one of my favorite things about our marriage is how we still miss each other when we have to spend the night away from each other. (Oh, and knowing that Dave loves me unconditionally and that I can rely on him for just about anything...because I am probably NOT the easiest person to live with!)

So, I have dug up a few snapshots that were on my laptop...

Next year, it's going to be a whole lot of vacay pics!  :)

Wedding Day

Honeymoon

Jamaica

Almost a family of 3!

Wedding for friends

Go Cards!!!

Night out with my Sisters and Hubs

Wrist tattoo day with the Pete's

Lion King

10 more years???

...

...but I'm only 37...

This is what I was crying sobbing to my husband today while I drove to work.

***Edited to add:  I also may have called my mom and told her I needed her, because, I still do...***

Yes, I am only 37...but OMG!  I am already 37!

It's been a tough week for me.  It's been a tough month for me.  Work has been tough.  Mama'ing has been tough.  Wife'ing has been tough.  Friend'ing has been tough.  And having a 37 year old body has been tough.

I have really been trying to focus on the positive.  But today the positive stopped and the stress and anxiety and the hurt that I have felt over the past month just came thundering in and I lost it.

At the ripe old age of 37, I have not yet entered defined "middle age."  But I have more and more signs of life that are pointing precisely to that "label."  I am convinced that 37 is the time that things just start to go downhill, in a quick manner.  At least, for me.

You know those people out there that say 40 is the new 20?  Ummmmm..... my body disagrees.  And I have proof.

I should put in a disclaimer that I am eternally thankful that overall, I am a generally healthy person.  I do not have a degenerative disease.  I do not have cancer.  I have my eyesight and hearing.  I am not considered to be "overweight."

But on days like today, that doesn't stop you from grieving what you don't have that others do.

...

Last night I made an appointment to see the eye doctor this morning.  It has been increasingly worse every year as I go to the eye doctor and I hear the same spiel... "with every birthday..."  Today was not a routine visit.  I have had a busted blood vessel in my eye since last Friday.  I have had probably a total of 4 or 5 over the last couple of years.  They typically go away in 3-4 days.  This one was different.  I had pressure and eye aches and a general feeling of discomfort.  I went through the general test of "read this, what is this letter, blah, blah."  I have long ago come to terms with the fact that I can't read the E.  But today I really and truly struggled with reading the card.  I mean, I had to really take a long time to focus and still ended several lines up from the bottom.  UGH!!!  He did some looking, took some pictures, asked some questions, typed up lots of notes, and started talking.  It's really not a big deal.  My tear ducts are not working properly.  I have significantly dry eyes.  ( I have had lots of contact lens tearing in my eyes).  I have an infection.  "We'll take care of the infection, but we need to talk in about 10 days about our long term plan for the dry eyes... one thing at a time.  Infection first, plan second.  You need to start taking this super duper fish oil supplements every day.  This is common as we get older.  You aren't really a good candidate for lasik because you will likely need bi-focals so it's a $5000 dollar surgery and you will likely still need glasses.  You know, I had to stop wearing my contacts because of the same types of things, so I just stick to glasses."

I asked a couple of "non-eye" related medical questions, he suggested I follow up on some things with my regular doctor, we chatted about golf, and I went on my way.

And the reality hit me.  Am I going to be confined to glasses for the rest of my life? I hate wearing glasses.  I can't just look down when I am wearing glasses, I have to move my entire head.  I can't see in the shower.  You can't just dive into a swimming pool or the ocean.  (and on, and on, and on.) The commitment to glasses is LIFE CHANGING!  For the people who can see without lenses, you probably don't get it.  But it sucks.  Am I grateful that at least glasses allow me to see? Yes.  But, I'm not ready for this.... I am only 37.

Also today, I made the call to the doctor to have something checked out that I have been avoiding.  I am a self-diagnoser.  I am also a hypochondriac.  And the diagnosis of the day:  rheumatoid arthritis.  The thing is, this time there is something substantial.  I have had some serious hand-joint issues this week.  I even cried out in pain when Taya grabbed my hand.  And I have done nothing to it to injure it.  And it has gone from numb, to tingling, to locked up, to extremely sore, and it sucks.  And its not just my hand.  Its been happening in my toes and feet joints/bones as well.  And dry eye is a factor.

I could be completely off base.  I hope I am.  But even if it's really nothing... I am only 37.  I am not old enough for nerve/joint/bone issues.  I am not old enough to be confined to glasses for the rest of my life to see the world.  I still have two young girls with a ton of life left to enjoy.  I myself am still young.

But I'm not.  I am already 37.  I am approaching middle-age.

And today my husband reminded me that we really need to enjoy our lives while we are younger because where will be in 10 years?

Almost 50.  I can't even imagine.

...

...when Mama hopes die...

I have been looking forward to today for a long time. It was supposed to be a big day for me and the girls. In my mind, it was going to be perfect.

My big mistake. Nothing in my world is perfect. I can't even tell you the last time I had that "this is perfect" feeling. Is perfect even such a thing?

This is by no means the first time my "perfect" plans have been squashed before they even got started. It happens every time. I plan it, I get excited, and it gets ruined.

I have two little "perfect plan" crushers who live in my house. One is 7. One is 4. I love them with all of my being. But they have a knack for really crushing a mama's hopes.

It's honestly not even worth going in to all of the petty details, and probably I worry to much about perfectness that I don't even get a chance to let it just come to fruition on its own... But just once, I'd like to plan something for my girls that didn't include whining, and crying, and tantruming, writhing like you are in pain because I didn't buy you everything you wanted, acting inappropriate in a restaurant, and on and on.

I love being a mom. I am proud of my girls. I love the idea of a perfect day.

But damn, just once I'd like to see it happen. Just once, I'd like for all of my efforts to be enough. Just once, I'd like to hear, "thank you mom for everything you did for us today."

But is once ever enough???

...oh crappy day...

I really wish I knew how to add those little music signs, because in my head I am singing it...

It truly has been a crappy 24+ hours.  And by crappy, I mean, comparative to MY normal life.  Not at all to be compared to what anyone else is going through.

It started last night... we had been been tending to a screw in the tire of our truck for about a week.  A little air here and there and we have been good to go.  My vehicle has been in the shop for a week and a half because we had to have a timing chip (or something) fixed and they didn't have the part and we chose to just leave it there rather than continue to drive it.  So, rather than just taking the time to fix the tire, we were successfully bandaging it.

I had picked up M from school yesterday, and she was crying because she missed her mama.  So...big crocodile tears and a guilty heart led us to Wal-Mart to grab some Legos.  (They already understand "retail therapy!")  We were driving home and it began to blizzard.  I mean, like a white-out type of blizzard.  A crazy-wind type of blizzard.  And, the neighbors trashcan was getting ready to blow away in to the field.  So, being the good samaritans that we are, we fought the blizzard to throw the trash can in the back of the truck and delivered it to the neighbors.  :)

And drove home...and heard a loud hissing noise...and the tire light came on...and thank goodness that we had made it home.  No blow out or flat tire on the road... which was AWESOME!!!  The hubs would change it when he got home.

So, in the blizzardish conditions, Dave proceeded to change the tire.  But, oh.... it was not happening because the spare wouldn't release from the wheel well, and... remember, our other vehicle is in the shop?  Ugh.  So, after a few phone calls, we decided to borrow the neighbors truck.  Crisis averted.

And then, we checked the mail.  And our internet and DirecTV went up by $70 a month.  UGH again. It was just a crabby night.  Not a big deal.  We had a plan for the morning and were good to go.

So, this morning I packed the girls up in the truck, headed to school, got to the end of the road, tried to take it out of 4 wheel drive, and nope.  With all of the upper body strength I had, it wasn't budging.  So, I called Dave, drove a little further, tried again, started panicking, and the anxiety settled in.  Merrick was going to be late to school... (yes, reason to panic, but that's another story!), I was going to be late to work, and I was stuck in a strange vehicle that I could not get out of fast enough.  ( I also may have screamed at my husband as though it was his fault...)

Dave came, picked up Merrick and took her to school and T and I went home.  Where we snuggled and read books (while Dave got the tire fixed).  Which was pretty awesome actually.  My tension released and all was good with the world.  I scrolled through FB, saw that my problems were minimal compared to others,  (we are healthy, have a home, great little lives) and made my own post...

When Dave had changed the tire, I went to work, got settled in.  And it got bad.  Really Bad.  My work computer, with all of my files that I never back up because my computer won't crash, crashed.  Like, everything that I have worked on and done for the entire school year.  Gone.  As in, not recoverable.  And even the tech guy felt bad for me.  But, it was no one's fault but my own... I mean, who does that?  Who doesn't back up their computer?  Who doesn't use a jump drive?  Me!  I don't.  Why?  Because I like to see it all sitting there on my desk top.  Because I feel like I have accomplished something.  And not just something.  Really good stuff.  But I regrouped, remembered that there are so many worse things, and was actually complimented for how well I was handling it.  :)

And then, I picked up the taxes from the accountant.  And all of the cash that we were counting on to gut the bathrooms and rebuild them to awesomeness.... yeah, not only did we not get it, but... we owed the exact same amount of money that we were hoping to get back.  UMMMMMM...... WHAT????  Yeah, we own a business.  Apparently, the business made too much of a profit and we have to pay.  UGH!!!

But still, we have jobs, we can afford to pay the taxes and still gut the bathrooms, so in the grand scheme of things... not the worst.

At least we didn't get any devastating phone calls about loved ones or friends.  At least our house is still standing.  At least we have love.  At least we were able to have children.  At least we have jobs.  At least we can afford to pay for things we need.  At least we are not battling addiction.  At least we got home safely.  And on, and on, and on.

Oh crappy day...thanks for the reminder of how good we really have it.

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