... the 20 year reunion predicament...

I recently was notified that there is an official date with tickets on sale for my 20 year high school reunion. Huh? How in the world has it been 20 years? I mean, I remember when my mom went to HER 20 year reunion. I was 11. I helped her fix her hair. That also happened to be 26 years ago! Holy cow...1993 + 20 = 2013. OMG! It is true. TWENTY YEARS AGO I was a SENIOR in high school!!!

Seriously though, that means I'm old. I almost feel like this milestone sounds worse than turning 40! But, I don't feel old. In my mind I'm still a twenty something who is married with two kids and lives in a big girl house. But I'm not. I'm a pretty darn close to 40 married mom of two who lives in a nice, modest house in the country. Who has a decision to make...

The question is this, to go, or not to go? Twenty years ago, I swore I would never go to a class reunion. Ten years ago, I refused to go. Present day, I am waivering, and I kind of want to go.

High school for me was difficult. Not academically. (Although, had I actually tried, I know I could have done better.)  I guess "socially" would be what I had the difficulty with??? But, I am not sure that it is the best word to describe it.  I had a social circle.  I had boyfriends.  I had haters.  I had bullies. I was a follower.  I wanted to do what everyone else was doing and really had no opinion on what I wanted to do.  I made my decisions based on what everybody else did and not what I thought I should do (which I don't even know if I knew.)  What I was missing was friends...the true long lasting friendship that people have for life.

I was in sports.  Not band.  Not flags.  Not drama.  Not cheerleading.  But sports.  Because that is what my sisters and "friends" did.  I played volleyball for one year and sucked because I couldn't serve overhand.  I played basketball for 2 years and wasn't great.  I was in track and could have been really good, but didn't put forth the effort that I should have.

The best class that I ever took in high school was English IV.  All of my "friends" were taking public speaking, and my parents made me take English IV.  I was able to relate to and grow surface "friendships" with people who weren't necessarily in my social circle.  (Which seems weird for a small town).

I don't know that I was ever without a boyfriend.  Which is dumb.

I was bullied by one of the meanest girls in school.  I had an atypical gait apparently (I guess I was a toe-walker) and was made fun of for it daily.  I was threatened by several girls who were going to beat me up (and I ended up moving down the road from one and as a 30 year old was still afraid of her).  I had horrible rumors spread about me (apparently I was a boyfriend stealer and slept around).

Even after high school, I made the decision to stay at home and commute to college because I didn't want to be away from my boyfriend.  Dumb.

College was blah.  I went through the motions, got my degree, and started working.  (I did make a lifelong friend, but she moved away and we have been friends from afar!)

Work is when my "new" life began.  I made friends.  Real, honest to goodness, lifetime, would do anything for them and they would do anything for me friends.  Friends who accepted me for me.

And then I met my husband.  And then I met my children.  And I continued making friends.  And life is good.

So, the predicament comes as this.  Do I allow myself to go back to "that" life for a night? The one where I was miserable.  The one where I couldn't make a decision for myself if my life depended on it. Back to the people who strung me along but were not willing to invest their heart in me.

The thing is, I have been following and chatting with a lot of the people that I went to high school with on Facebook, and I would like to see some of them.  The reality is, we are all completely different people than we were 20 years ago.

If I go back, I can show these people who I really am.  I have a successful career.  I have an awesome husband.  I have 2 amazing kids.  And I have the best friends in the world that a girl could ask for.

Someone said the other day that going back could be gratifying.  She was talking about the gratifying because you were a bully and now you have done so many drugs that you have no teeth, but look at me who is perfectly normal type.  But I think that going back could be gratifying in the fact that I can walk in a room and hold my head high because I am proud of who I am and don't really care what anyone else in the room thinks about me.  (However, I will probably crash diet and will have to make sure that my gray is completely covered before hand!!!)

In the grand scheme of life, going to my 20 year reunion won't change anything for me.  But going back 20 years would change everything...