...the pregnancy test...

Today G said that she was surprised that I was going to blog about this because it is so...personal.  But, I don't find it so much personal as just a story.  I will spare you all of the gory details ('cause unfortunately some have already been subjected to those), and tell you the rest.

It is kind of amazing what the power of suggestion can do to a mind and body.  On a pretty continual basis, I have diagnosed myself with something or another.  Any given day I may have brain caner/tumor, diabetes (again), breast cancer, bi-polar, ADD, etc.  Yesterday, before I talked to the doctor I was pretty convinced that I had cervical cancer.  No reason, (well, I guess reason enough to call the Dr. in the first place), but something odd occurs and low and behold I am dying.  But the minute a DR suggests something, watch out.  Because I will have every symptom that goes along with it.  True, I had told Dave yesterday morning that I was feeling quite right before I had any real evidence.  But who doesn't feel a little off every now and then?  Right?

So, I was on my way to work this morning, and had to make a pit stop because I felt sick to my stomach.  Oh, and I was dizzy.  Oh, and I had a really hard time getting out of bed this morning.  And, my boobs might be a little sore.  Sound familiar?  Crazy power of suggestion, right?  So I did what anyone else would do, hop in the car, march my self in to Wal-Mart, straight to the pregnancy test aisle (because that is what the Dr said to do) and confidently grabbed a cheap and generic pregnancy test.  Because who needs an expensive pregnancy test when the possibility that you are actually pregnant is like, NONE!!!  (Totally dejavu from a little less than 5 years ago, but that's another story!!)

But as I so confidently grabbed my test that I was sure to be negative, I saw a young girl standing there just staring.  And I felt bad for her.  Because when you know what you need, you grab and go.  But if you don't know what you need, the pregnancy test aisle could be a tad overwhelming.  So, one might stand and stare.  As if they are scared out of their minds.  And thinking that if they really buy the test, they really may have to take it, and that test could change their lives forever.  And then I thought about my friends who might stand there staring, wanting to buy just the right test and hoping and praying that this will be the test that is positive.  I have never thought about it before, but I bet that the pregnancy test itself may be one of the most life altering purchases a person can make in their lives.

So, off I went to work, a tad bit late for a meeting.  I ran to the bathroom, did my thing, waited approximately thirty seconds, saw this:

swore I would never put a picture of a peed on stick anywhere on the web for anyone else to see, but alas, I did

and there was this:  WOOHOO!!!!  Hallelulujah!!!

So then why did I have all of the "what if" thoughts for the rest of the day?  I knew with 99% certainty that being pregnant was not possible.  But if I had been pregnant, apparently it was a baby that was truly meant to be.  I've had one of those before, a little surprise "gift from God" and she is amazing.  Would it have really been THAT bad?

But, that's not in my cards anymore.  You can "what if" yourself to death and never know.

But what I do know is this.  I have a PERFECT little family of 4.  And that is all I need!

...unexpected events, oh my...

So, I was sitting in the bakery drive thru this morning and decided I was going to write a post today entitled ...thank you, dear... Obviously, this is NOT that post.

Because, my events of the day have changed, and here I am sitting in the ER and thinking about the unexpected events of today.

Unexpected event #1: Justin got to come home today!!! We weren't expecting it until tomorrow, but I got a text @ 645 this morning saying that they all got to go home today! Which is awesome. Recovering in your own home always feels better than recovering in the hospital!

Unexpected event #2: I had a "girl" issue today that resulted in me calling the gynecologist. Remember the dream last week? Well, he asked if I was possibly pregnant. Ummmm, nope, my tubes are tied and that's not possible. His reply was, well, not impossible, so, you should take a test just in case. HUH? And call me if it gets worse. Ummm, OK? As of now, haven't taken the test because...

Unexpected event #3: I was sitting in a meeting, got a call from my husband that my brother-in-law had cut off his finger off, and he was heading to help Julie with Justin. And Jeff was alone at a hospital. A hospital. Not which hospital. A hospital. Ummmm?? So, thankfully Julie called and told me where he was. And off I went! Apparently Jeff has not had his fill of hospitals for the last 8 days! And here we sit, waiting for the hand surgeon.

I have to say, I feel bad for the person who is in surgery before him because their surgery has now gone on for 2 hours longer than it was supposed to.

So, that's my "oh my" day. I wonder what tomorrow will bring?

Oh, and if you are at all concerned, without taking a test I can say with 99% certainty that I am not pregnant! Cause that would be freaking ridiculous!!!

...wrapping up the week...

The week is over.

Here is the overview.

Justin came through the surgery great.  It has been the aftermath that has been more difficult.  The pain is intense, but he is strong and keeping his head up.  (When he is able to stay awake!!)  He had a couple of small set backs due to medication issues, but has made incredible progress in the past two days.  He has grown 3 inches and is now the tallest in his family currently beating his dad out by 1/2 inch!  He went in to the hospital at 6 foot 1/2 inch and is now 6 foot 3 1/2 inches!  ( I wonder if he is the tallest kiddo at Children's right now??)  He has been walking short distances and is tolerating sitting in a chair!  Today he got to eat.  And watch football.  And I have evidence!!  :)

Apparently the hospital TV was small, so Dave brought him in a bigger TV to watch.  These boys LOVE them some football!!!  I love this pic.  It makes my heart so happy!!!

Kaitlyn came through her surgery great as well!  She had work done on both hands and one of her feet.  She did end up having to have pins put in one of her hands, but she too has been handling it great!  Apparently it is pretty amazing what a wee one can do with two thumbs!  She had 3 matching purple casts, and is as cute as can be.  :)  I have evidence of that as well!!!

She was still pretty groggy in this pic.  On her way home from the hospital.  Love her!!

My big girl ROCKED IT OUT at her Christmas program.  She was so unbelievably proud of herself, and my heart was BEAMING!!!  She would look over and smile at us, and you could see the pride in her smile.  It was killer in the BEST WAY!!!  And yep, I have evidence!!!

I know, the eyes are a little creepy, but honestly, have NO IDEA how to fix that!

Something that I did not know was happening this week until after I had posted last week about the weeks happenings was that one of my best friends dad's was having a kidney removed on Thursday.  They had found out a couple of weeks ago that he had a cancerous tumor in one of his kidneys.  Apparently, kidney cancer is often a silent killer due to it spreading quickly and quietly.  Thanking God that they caught it early and they feel that it was contained! He still has a lot of grandpa-ing to do!!!

I have almost finished up a project that I have been working on since Thanksgiving.  Between blogging, reading, parenting, working, wife-ing, etc., I have not been working as quickly on projects as I would like.  But, I am almost done.  This was an ETSY inspired project.  I wish I had a pic with the price tag, because I swear when I looked at it, it was being sold for $149.

Here is my $20ish version.  Notice I said I am not done yet.  I am still waiting for my ho ho ho's to dry. :)

The picture is blurry, and I am thinking my belt isn't wide enough.  But, we will see when it is all finished.

I also started crocheting today.  One of my best friends recently began crocheting and I decided that I would give it another try.  The first time I tried, my Granny tried to teach me.  I gave up.  Today, I tried again and told my mom that I must be working through Granny's hands because it seemed to be pretty simple.  I have a long way to go on this scarf, but I find it both fun and relaxing.  :)

I am hoping it will look pretty amazing with the beautiful new coat my hubs bought me!

The stressful week has NOT been good for my diet.  UGH!!!  Who starts a diet this time of year anyway?  If I could just find the time to work out more.  It will come.  Or not.  Perhaps I will just learn to be happy with a tubby middle!

And now it is time to get ready for this week... I hope it is a good one!

...we are an army...

We are an army.

It's kind of funny to say that we are a 2 man army, but in a sense, we are.

And when I say "we" I am talking about myself and the girl on the right.  She is my sister.  She is strong.  She is amazing.  I can never discredit the others that often join our army, (Jennifer, our parents, our spouses, our kids, our friends) but, sometimes, it is "we" that make up our army.

 We have also often referred to each other as "driftwood."  You know, that piece of wood that you grab on to when you are floating down river, struggling to stay afloat, and you feel like you are going to sink.  But, you grab on to that piece of wood that is slowly, slowly drifting along and it helps you float. That's kind of how we are.

I can't say that we have always been on the same side.  I am sometimes reminded that when I was in my younger days, I might have gotten a new pair of wooden clogs, and I might have come home and announced to my sisters:  "I bought these shoes to kick you guys with."  But, I was young then.  :)  And not so appreciated.  (I also might have been the surprise that came along and intruded on the sisterly duo that was functioning perfectly well without me.)  And growing up 5 years and 7 years younger than your siblings isn't exactly the same as growing up with a sibling close in age to yourself.  We were really never on the same page of life.  I still don't know that we are on the same page, but we relate, and thus find each other on the same side.

We realized that we had this "strong/weak" connection a couple of years ago when my grandmother was sick.  We both had really bad days, and we both had good days.  But the amazing thing was...we were never really bad at the same moments.  If I was crying, she was not.  If she was crying, I was not.

This has continued as things have come and gone since then.

Most recently in the past 18 months since we first heard about FA.

(***disclaimer:  if the "f" word offends you, stop reading here)






FA is a shitty, fucking disease.  I hate it.  I hate it for so many reasons, but I hate it because of what it is doing to my nephew, I hate it because of what it is doing to my sister, my brother-in-law, my niece, our family, Justin's friends, everyone that is involved in his life.  I hate that there is no fucking cure.  I hate that right now, Justin is having his back cut open, halo around his head, central line in his chest, additional IV's in his arms, small steel rods being inserted around each of his vertebrae.  A disease that has led to such severe scoliosis that the healing process to this surgery will include him laying on his side being flipped from side to side for up to 2 months.  A disease that means that he will never be able to walk through a metal detector again without setting it off.  A disease that is so progressive in nature that in a few years, he will be in a wheelchair.  A disease that moves from his digits, to his limbs, to his systems and eventually to his heart.  I HATE THIS FUCKING DISEASE.

But here's the deal.  I am supposed to be the strong one.  I am supposed to be the one that supports her. I am the one who is not supposed to cry.  I am the one who is supposed to be the army,  right?  But, I am not always.  I have my moments.  And you know what?  She is the one who is strong for me.  She is the one who comforts me.  She is the one to say "I'm sorry, I know it sucks.  It's going to be OK."  The mama of the boy who is suffering is comforting me???  It's because she is strong, and amazing, and  she is my sister.

But that's just how we work.  Because we support each other.  And together, we are an army.  An army of two.  And sometimes more.

...it was kind of horrible...

I had a bad dream last night.

Recently I have been stressing about my tummy fat, I have sort of gone back on the "diabetic" diet, and I have also been reading a book about a girl who had died a couple of days after delivering a stillborn baby.  Add those things together and you get my bad dream.  Kind of.

In my dream, I went to the doctor and found out I was pregnant.  Apparently, I had no idea and remembering saying, "well, I guess that explains my fat tummy," to which the nurse replied, "nope, the baby is not yet down in your stomach."  (HUH?)  And then I remembered that I couldn't be pregnant because when Taya was born I had my tubes tied.  To which she explained that sometimes they come untied and heal back together.  (HUH?  I mean, I guess that is possible, but I actually read the surgical report and I can tell you that they are tied in figure eights, which I imagine would be hard to come "untied" but I guess stranger things have happened.)  And then I said, "oh, and my husband had a vasectomy, so this really isn't possible." (HUH?  He definitely has not had a vasectomy.  I took that one for the team, so why would that be in my dream?)  But, I had apparently remembered that my boobs had been quite tingly lately, so at least I had something to go by.  (Again, HUH?  Have my boobs been tingly lately, and if so, should I be concerned?)  So, apparently, I was pregnant by some sort of miracle.

I then remember thinking that I had no idea what we were going to do with a baby.  We have been out of the baby phase for a couple of years.  We have NO baby things.  And I have a 4 year old who will not even let me go near a baby, so how am I going to take care of a baby.  And I can no longer breast feed a baby, so how in the world was I going to get the baby mama milk, and also, how do you lose baby weight if you don't breast feed?  And oh crap, I have diabetes again!

And then I remember thinking "when should I post this on Facebook?"  (HUH?  Because that's important, how I am going to tell the world.)  And what would the girls at work think when they had to cover my maternity leave?  And what would my friends think?  And my family?  And did I mention, "WHAT THE HECK AM I GOING TO DO WITH A BABY???"

And then, I think I woke up.  Thank Goodness!  I can't imagine being pregnant at 37.  I can't imagine going through the baby stage again.  I can't imagine not being able to feed my baby.  I can't imagine Taya not being my baby.

But the truth is, I probably wouldn't mind so much.  :)

...it's going to be a rough one...

This week...

Although I am not directly affected by the events that this week will bring, I am emotionally vested in the people that will be directly affected by the events that this week will bring.

Monday:  My nephew Justin will be going in to Children's hospital for his final consultation for Wednesday's surgery.  My cousin Wendee will be traveling to St. Louis for Kaitlyn's reconstructive surgery.

Tuesday:  Justin will be at Children's to get his port for the surgery.  Kaitlyn will be having the first of two reconstructive surgeries on her hands and feet at Shriner's.  Kaitlyn was born with additional digits and webbing on her hands and feet.

Wednesday:   Justin's surgery.  Justin is having a spinal fusion.  He has pretty severe scoliosis that is concomitant with Friedreich's Ataxia.  Due to his growth cells still being open, it is necessary for his spine to be fused to protect the rest of his body.

Thursday:   Eliza's Birthday.  Two years ago my friends David and Brooke delivered a beautiful, sleeping baby.  They have since welcomed a beautiful, smart and spunky Caroline in to this world, but my heart hurts knowing what this anniversary brings to them.

Friday:  Taya's Christmas program.  We have yet to be successful with Taya participating.  This year we are in a smaller and familiar venue, so I am hoping this year goes better.  As a mama, this hurts my heart immensely.  To see your daughter so badly want to participate in something, then be so unbelievably scared that she cannot, and watch her friends perform and cry because she wants to, then ask afterwards if she can have another chance.  Ugh!  (OK, so this one DOES directly affect me in a way!!)

I am hoping for a pretty uneventful and heart happy Saturday and Sunday!  My heart is gonna need it!!!

...how could I not...

My mom reminded me this morning that I have not posted any new posts lately.  Truth is, I have been working on one all week.  I just haven't been feeling it.  The post itself has been very much to release some of my frustrations with a certain little girl that I love dearly but makes me crazy on a daily basis.  It's the story of her.  It's complicated...just like she is.  :)

So for now, I will share a completely different story about her.  One that warms my heart to the core, sends me out to a shop I swore I would NEVER shop at, requiring me to spend an exuberant amount of money on something that should NEVER cost as much as it does, and has me asking "how could I not?"

A couple of weeks ago, Merrick came home wanting to add an American Girl doll to her Christmas list.    I immediately went in to a slight panic as that was definitely NOT in my plan.  And I just happen to be a planner.  So, we had a little talk about how she has never been a "doll" girl, so I was curious as to why she had changed her mind.  She admitted that it was because her friend wanted one and decided that she would rather have a piano instead.  (ummmm....that backfired.)  But, I found a great deal on a girl sized baby grand with 37 keys and was content.  :)

Until Thursday.  One of my good friends had asked if the girls could come over after school to bake cookies.  Yay!  I got to go get my nails done.  And went to pick the girls up.  On our way out the door, Taya asked Camryn if she could borrow one of her "mazagines."  It happened to be an American Girl doll magazine.  Taya has ALWAYS been a "doll" girl.  I mean, like we have so many dolls we don't know what to do with them.  For a while we had a lot of problems going to the store because Taya truly believed that all of the babies needed homes, in particular our home!

So, when she decided that she wanted the Caroline doll from the American Girl catalog, I became a wee bit concerned, but that's just Taya.  She wants everything.

Dave happened to be out of town that night, and the girls got to sleep with me.  Taya was having a hard time settling in, and she kept getting up.  I honestly didn't think much about it.  And then I got up at 1:00am to let the dogs out.  On my way there, I saw this:

If you look closely, you can see our Elf on the Shelf, Oliver, looking down towards the floor.  On the floor is the American Girl doll "mazagine" placed in the direct line of vision of the Elf.  

Melt a mama's heart.  How could you say no to that?  Which is how I landed here this morning:

And it was packed, and crazy, and overwhelming.  But it made my heart happy to think of what a happy girl I would have on Christmas morning.

And, because I could not fathom paying $62 for a set of matching PJs for Taya and Caroline, I stopped at My Red Thread and got a matching set of monogrammed penguin PJs for half the cost!

:)